packing up and leaving

there comes a time when one truly has to say goodbye; when everything great, sad, and happy become mere memories. there comes a time when you get fed up, tired, monotonous; when you feel that each and every thing add a huge amount of unnecessary pressure and stress into your life. at first, you welcome these things. they're nothing but challenges and you're sure to overcome them. but as you face more and more, when everything amount to heavier burden, when things turn from insane to serious, you start thinking... should i still be doing this? should i still continue? honestly, i have other "real life" problems, do i really need to add to them?

i don't know why i'm still doing this. i usually reason to myself that i'm doing this because of love. yes, i love the group, the friendship, the world unique to christian's fans. i love the fact that i'm becoming a vessel for people to reach their small dreams... more specifically, their dreams of meeting ian. but i now wonder if that's enough reason.

when the vessel faces storms, it tries to stay afloat. it tries to survive. but just like anything faced with pressure, a vessel that faced a storm will have scars-- its ropes become weathered, chains become rusty, links broken, sails battered, etc. somehow, the vessel survives to continue with the journey. sometimes the damage will be mended and it would be as good as new. but it could only be as good as, never again new. the vessel might have been repaired but it will bear weaknesses. the only good thing that will come out of it is that the vessel would have learned from that storm. unfortunately, not every storm is the same. some may bring fierce wind, some rain, some ice, some even fire. the problem appears when the vessel faces yet another storm in its journey, a storm different from the last. it's a storm tougher, more dangerous, more damaging than the last. Once again it may survive, but this time it has lost parts, and to a sadder extent, it has lost people.

This is the same with the CFs. Countless battles have already been waged, so far the group has triumphed. So far the vessel has weathered the storms that came its path. but as more and more pressures are faced, i begin to doubt, maybe even to fold. should i just go back to the days when i did not have these burdens? days prior to my journey with the rest of the group? with the impending loss of the captain of this vessel, must i, a simple crew, follow suit? or should i stand firm and try to finish?

deep in me, i know the answer. i can't leave just yet. i want to ride the seas until the next shore. i want to be with the CFs still and christian of course as they take the path of success. i know that right now, i just have to be strong. i have to believe that the captain's leaving will not be the end... that a new captain may rise and continue our fight... and i will be right behind that captain... just as i am right now.

to the captain, it seems that we could no longer stop you. well, that's your call. what i could truly say however, is that you will always have my deepest gratitude and respect. you have fought the good fight, it's simply time for you to command another journey. thank you for letting me be a part of this one.